Everything

It's day 25...

I had this dream last night.

I meet you at the door; it was early in the morning, but still dark. We haven't been speaking, but I let you come in. We sat for a while before we started talking, I had always been nervous. You seemed to have an easy time becoming more comfortable as our conversation went on. I put my hand in front of me (which attracted our attention), and then I opened it slowly. I'm not sure of its meaning, but it felt like release.
In that dream, I gave you everything. Everything I had collected for you, everything you wondered about, everything you expected, everything you had considered, everything we've started, everything you cried for, everything you ever worried about, everything you thought was possible, everything that was not, everything you wanted, everything you've been waiting for.

The dream ended there, and I forgot what everything looked like.
I did not remember this dream right away. I'm not even quite sure it happened last night, but I'm about 95% sure it was.

The night before I had stayed up all night speaking with Josh. We had drank until 4am, spearing no subjects. We even touched on everything without even mentioning it.

I had been up for 45 of the last 48 hours, but I forced myself to stay up. I wasn't tired, or at lease I didn't feel it. Even on the bus home Sunday night I had the same feeling I had while speaking with josh. The same feeling I tried to hold out on. After he went to sleep, I opened my computer, and I wrote 3 notes (none of with were good), but I saved them anyway -perhaps for another life; I saved what I had to say. The whole time I had been up, there were so many thought I had. But at first I had no pen, and no paper, and it drove me crazy to think I would have to save them to memory.

I forgot each one.

They come to me as subtle thoughts at the most calming/random moments. On the bus with no neighbor. Walking on the street at night, riding the train to anywhere.

But not when I was at the computer in my 45th hour:

I faded.
The next morning I thought I had dreamt that I saw josh open the door to leave for work. He paused and let the door shut while he came towards me. In a rush, he seemed disappointed while he moved my open computer away, and my pillow to the end of the couch. I was slowly coming to, and he yanked my hand from underneath my head. It was providing support so I fell, but he caught me.

"Come on man, you gotta get some sleep..."

He pulled me up onto my pillow, and by that time I had gained an ounce of awareness.I pulled on my covers, and looked at my phone. It was 7:20. I know he had to be to work by 8, and its a 45min commute. I told him to go to work, and he left.

The following night I made my second attempt at writing. When I came to, I discovered I had held the "r" key and passed out. That was the night I had that dream...

That part of the message had come as an unexpected burst. I was on the train, and I couldn't take it anymore I start writing on my phone.

There is more, but I have decided to split this note (and possibly
forget). It's very personal, and at this point I feel like I am
ranting on. I feel as though I've said it before...

I believe that eventually we will all find everything. A way to simply to open a hands, and ultimately release..